Trouble

  Ed was in trouble. 

He forgot his wedding anniversary.

  His wife was really angry.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that
  goes from 0 to 200 in less then 6 seconds AND IT
  BETTER BE THERE!!"

  The next morning Ed got up early and left for work.

  When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and
  sure enough there was a box gift wrapped in the middle
  of the driveway. 

Confused, the wife put on her robe
  and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in
  the house.

  She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

  Ed has been missing since Friday.

Three Little Pigs

The Three Little Pigs

Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter came and took 
their drink order.
"I would like a Sprite," said the first little piggy.
"I would like a Coke," said the second little piggy.
"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," said the third little piggy.

The drinks were brought out and the waiter took their orders for dinner.

"I want a nice big steak," said the first piggy.
"I would like the salad plate," said the second piggy.
"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," said the third little piggy.

The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the 
table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.

"I want a banana split," said the first piggy.
"I want a cheesecake," said the second piggy.
"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," exclaimed the third little piggy.

"Pardon me for asking," said the waiter to the third little piggy,"
But why have you only ordered beer all evening?"

You're gonna LOVE me for this....

The third piggy says -

"Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!

:P

Dear Diary

We just celebrated our 25^th wedding anniversary without much to celebrate. When it came time to re-enact our wedding night, he locked himself in the bathroom and cried.

Day 2

Today, he says he has a big secret to tell me. He’s impotent, he says, and he wants me to be the first to know. Why not tell me something I don’t know! He actually thinks I haven’t noticed.

Day 3

This marriage is in trouble. A woman has needs. Yesterday, I saw a picture of the Washington Monument and burst into tears.

Day 4

A miracle! A new drug will fix his “problem.” It’s called Viagra. He says if he takes Viagra, things will be just like they were on our wedding night. I replaced his Prozac with the Viagra, hoping to lift something besides his mood.

Day 5

What absolute bliss!

Day 6

Isn’t life wonderful? But it’s difficult to write while he’s doing that!

Day 7

This Viagra thing has gone to his head. No pun intended! Yesterday, at Burger King, the manager asked me if I’d like a Whopper. He thought they were talking about him. But, have to admit it’s very nice -- I don’t think I’ve ever been so happy.

Day 8

I think he took too many over the weekend. Yesterday, instead of mowing the lawn, he was using his new friend as a weed whacker. Also, I’m getting a little sore.

Day 9

No time to write. He might catch me.

Day 10

Okay, I admit it. I’m hiding. I mean, a girl can only take so much. And to make matters worse, he’s washing the Viagra down with whiskey! What am I going to do?

Day 11

Basically, I’m being screwed to death. This is like living with a Black and Decker drill. I woke up this morning hot-glued to the bed. Even my armpits hurt! He’s a complete pig.

Day 12

I wish he was gay. I’ve stopped wearing make-up, cleaning my teeth, and bathing but still he comes after me! Even yawning is now dangerous!

Day 13

Every time I shut my eyes, there’s a sneak attack! It’s like going to bed with a SCUD missile. I can hardly walk and if he tries that “Oops, sorry!” thing again, I’m gonna kill that bastard.

Day 14

I’ve done everything I can to turn him off. Nothing works. Even dressing like a nun just made him hornier. Help me!

Day 15

I think I’ll have to kill him. I stick to everything I sit on. The cat and dog won’t go near him and our friends don’t come over any more. Last night I told him to go fuck himself -- and he did!

Day 16

The bastard has started to complain about getting headaches. I hope the bloody thing explodes. I did suggest he might try stopping the Viagra and going back on Prozac.

Day 17

Switched the pills but it doesn’t seem to have made any difference. Christ! Here he comes again!

Day 18

He’s back on Prozac. The lazy sod just sits there in front of the TV all day with that remote control in his hand and expects me to wait on him. What bliss!

Eight Words with Two Meanings

Eight Words with Two Meanings

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.

Female...... Any part under a car's hood.

Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.

Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.

Male.... Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.

Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.

Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.

Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family.

Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.

Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.

Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.

Female.... An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.

Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.

Female...... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.

Male.. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.

Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.

Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes

Senior Sex

The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

Yes, she says, "I remember it well."

OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,

"Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."   LOL

Charm School

Two nicely dressed women strike up a conversation during an endless wait in the LAX airport.

The first lady was an arrogant California woman married to a wealthy man.

 The second was a well-mannered elderly woman from the South.

When the conversation centered on whether they had any children the California woman

started by saying, "When my first child was born, my husband built a beautiful mansion for me."

The lady from the South commented, "Well,isn't that precious?"

The first woman continued, "When my second child was born, my husband bought me a

beautiful Mercedes-Benz."

Again, the lady from the South commented,

"Well, isn't that precious?"

The first woman continued boasting, "Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet."

Yet again, the Southern lady commented,

"Well, isn't that precious?"

The first woman then asked her companion,

"What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?"

"My husband sent me to charm school," declared the Southern lady.

"Charm school?" the first woman cried, "Oh my God! What on earth for?" said the first

woman.

The Southern lady responded,

"Well for example, instead of saying "Who gives a shit" 

I learned to say, "Well, isn't that precious."

LOL

Never Choke in a Southern Restaurant

Two hillbillies Ed and Red walk into a bar. While having a shot of

whiskey, they talk about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table who is eating a sandwich,

begins to cough.

After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real

distress.

One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, "Kin ya swallar?"

The woman shakes her head no.

"Kin ya breathe?"

The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her

dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a

lick with his tongue.

The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the

obstruction flies out of her mouth.

As she begins to breathe again,

the hillbilly walks slowly back to the bar. His partner says, "Ya

know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver', but I ain't

never seed nobody do it!"

Hot and Cold Sex

After his exam the doctor said to the elderly man: "You appear to be

in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to

ask me about?"

"In fact, I do," said the old man.

"After I have sex I am usually cold and chilly, and then, after I

have sex with her the second time, I am usually hot and sweaty."

After examining his elderly wife, the doctor said: "Everything

appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would

like to discuss with me?"

The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.

The doctor then said to her: "Your husband had an unusual concern.

He claims that he is usually cold and chilly after having sex with

you the first time, and then hot and sweaty after the second time.

Do you know why?"

"Oh, that crazy old fart," she replied. "That's because the first

time is usually in January and the second time is in August."

LOL

Co-workers 100%

From a strictly mathematical viewpoint

 it goes like this:

What Makes 100%? What does it mean

to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder

about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?

We have all been to those meetings

where someone wants you to give over 100%.

 How about achieving 103%?

What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula

 that might help you answer these questions:

If:

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K

8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E

11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E

1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T

2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G

1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bullshit and Ass kissing that will put you over the top. LOL!!

Nuts in a Cemetery

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence.

One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.

'One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me,' said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

 Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate.

Sure enough, he heard, 'One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me...'

He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.

'Come here quick,' said the boy, 'you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls!'

 The man said, 'Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk.' When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.

 Standing by the fence they heard, 'One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me.'

 The old man whispered, 'Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord...?

 Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.

 At last they heard, 'One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done...

  They say the old man had the lead for a good half-mile before the kid on the bike passed him.

Farewell Goodbye Letter To Co-workers Resignation Letter

August 17, 2012

LedgeStone Country Club
StoneBridge Village
1600 LedgeStone Rd

Dear Friends,

I wanted to take a moment to let you all know that I have decided to resign from my position at LedgeStone C.C.  While I have been a part of StoneBridge for many years, and consider it my second family, I must make this very difficult decision for my first family; my husband and children. 

It has taken me some time, but with much reflection, I have realized exactly how far off my priorities have been.  While I am truly saddened to be leaving such a great place and many fine friends, I am looking forward to regaining quality time with my family and continuing my college degree.  I am aware of the many inconveniences this will cause, and I can only offer you my most sincere apology.  I will be available to answer any questions and aid in any way possible over the next few weeks; however, I know that if I do not begin my new endeavors right away, I will forever find one more thing to stay for.

Working in so many areas of LedgeStone has been an amazing experience and I feel truly honored to have been a part of getting the restaurant off the ground.  I appreciate both the professional and personal growth opportunities that have been provided to me during this process, and I would like to thank each of the members as well as my colleges for being a part of this. I hope that we will stay in touch as I begin this new chapter in my life.

Sincerely,

Christy                                                                       

The Golden Screw-A Modern Proverb

Once upon a time, a young lad was born without a belly button.  In its place was a golden screw.  All the doctors told his mother that there was nothing they could do.  The boy never understood why it was there, but like it or not, he was stuck with it.  All the years of growing up were real tough on him, because all who saw the screw made fun of him.  He avoided ever leaving his house and thus, never made any friends.

One day, a mysterious stranger saw his belly and told him of a swami in Tibet that could get rid of the screw for him.  He was thrilled.  The next day, he took all of his life's savings and bought a ticket to Nepal .

After several days of climbing up steep cliffs, he came upon a giant monastery.  The swami knew exactly why he had come.  He was told to sleep in the highest tower of the monastery and the following day when he awoke, the screw will have been removed.

The man immediately went to the room and fell asleep.  During the night while he slept, a purple haze floated in an open window, bearing in its mist, a golden screwdriver.  In just a few moments, the screw-driver removed the screw and then disappeared out of the window.

The next morning when the boy  awoke, he saw the golden screw laying on the pillow next to him. Reaching down, he felt his navel, and found that there was no screw there!  Jubilant, he leaped out of bed, and his butt fell off.

The moral to this is:

Don't screw around with things you don't understand -- you could lose your ass.