Charm School

Two nicely dressed women strike up a conversation during an endless wait in the LAX airport.

The first lady was an arrogant California woman married to a wealthy man.

 The second was a well-mannered elderly woman from the South.

When the conversation centered on whether they had any children the California woman

started by saying, "When my first child was born, my husband built a beautiful mansion for me."

The lady from the South commented, "Well,isn't that precious?"

The first woman continued, "When my second child was born, my husband bought me a

beautiful Mercedes-Benz."

Again, the lady from the South commented,

"Well, isn't that precious?"

The first woman continued boasting, "Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet."

Yet again, the Southern lady commented,

"Well, isn't that precious?"

The first woman then asked her companion,

"What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?"

"My husband sent me to charm school," declared the Southern lady.

"Charm school?" the first woman cried, "Oh my God! What on earth for?" said the first

woman.

The Southern lady responded,

"Well for example, instead of saying "Who gives a shit" 

I learned to say, "Well, isn't that precious."

LOL

Never Choke in a Southern Restaurant

Two hillbillies Ed and Red walk into a bar. While having a shot of

whiskey, they talk about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table who is eating a sandwich,

begins to cough.

After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real

distress.

One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, "Kin ya swallar?"

The woman shakes her head no.

"Kin ya breathe?"

The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her

dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a

lick with his tongue.

The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the

obstruction flies out of her mouth.

As she begins to breathe again,

the hillbilly walks slowly back to the bar. His partner says, "Ya

know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver', but I ain't

never seed nobody do it!"

Hot and Cold Sex

After his exam the doctor said to the elderly man: "You appear to be

in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to

ask me about?"

"In fact, I do," said the old man.

"After I have sex I am usually cold and chilly, and then, after I

have sex with her the second time, I am usually hot and sweaty."

After examining his elderly wife, the doctor said: "Everything

appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would

like to discuss with me?"

The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.

The doctor then said to her: "Your husband had an unusual concern.

He claims that he is usually cold and chilly after having sex with

you the first time, and then hot and sweaty after the second time.

Do you know why?"

"Oh, that crazy old fart," she replied. "That's because the first

time is usually in January and the second time is in August."

LOL

Co-workers 100%

From a strictly mathematical viewpoint

 it goes like this:

What Makes 100%? What does it mean

to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder

about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?

We have all been to those meetings

where someone wants you to give over 100%.

 How about achieving 103%?

What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula

 that might help you answer these questions:

If:

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K

8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E

11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E

1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T

2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G

1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bullshit and Ass kissing that will put you over the top. LOL!!

Nuts in a Cemetery

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence.

One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.

'One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me,' said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

 Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate.

Sure enough, he heard, 'One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me...'

He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.

'Come here quick,' said the boy, 'you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls!'

 The man said, 'Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk.' When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.

 Standing by the fence they heard, 'One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me.'

 The old man whispered, 'Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord...?

 Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.

 At last they heard, 'One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done...

  They say the old man had the lead for a good half-mile before the kid on the bike passed him.