Trouble

  Ed was in trouble. 

He forgot his wedding anniversary.

  His wife was really angry.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that
  goes from 0 to 200 in less then 6 seconds AND IT
  BETTER BE THERE!!"

  The next morning Ed got up early and left for work.

  When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and
  sure enough there was a box gift wrapped in the middle
  of the driveway. 

Confused, the wife put on her robe
  and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in
  the house.

  She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

  Ed has been missing since Friday.

Three Little Pigs

The Three Little Pigs

Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter came and took 
their drink order.
"I would like a Sprite," said the first little piggy.
"I would like a Coke," said the second little piggy.
"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," said the third little piggy.

The drinks were brought out and the waiter took their orders for dinner.

"I want a nice big steak," said the first piggy.
"I would like the salad plate," said the second piggy.
"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," said the third little piggy.

The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the 
table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.

"I want a banana split," said the first piggy.
"I want a cheesecake," said the second piggy.
"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," exclaimed the third little piggy.

"Pardon me for asking," said the waiter to the third little piggy,"
But why have you only ordered beer all evening?"

You're gonna LOVE me for this....

The third piggy says -

"Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!

:P

Dear Diary

We just celebrated our 25^th wedding anniversary without much to celebrate. When it came time to re-enact our wedding night, he locked himself in the bathroom and cried.

Day 2

Today, he says he has a big secret to tell me. He’s impotent, he says, and he wants me to be the first to know. Why not tell me something I don’t know! He actually thinks I haven’t noticed.

Day 3

This marriage is in trouble. A woman has needs. Yesterday, I saw a picture of the Washington Monument and burst into tears.

Day 4

A miracle! A new drug will fix his “problem.” It’s called Viagra. He says if he takes Viagra, things will be just like they were on our wedding night. I replaced his Prozac with the Viagra, hoping to lift something besides his mood.

Day 5

What absolute bliss!

Day 6

Isn’t life wonderful? But it’s difficult to write while he’s doing that!

Day 7

This Viagra thing has gone to his head. No pun intended! Yesterday, at Burger King, the manager asked me if I’d like a Whopper. He thought they were talking about him. But, have to admit it’s very nice -- I don’t think I’ve ever been so happy.

Day 8

I think he took too many over the weekend. Yesterday, instead of mowing the lawn, he was using his new friend as a weed whacker. Also, I’m getting a little sore.

Day 9

No time to write. He might catch me.

Day 10

Okay, I admit it. I’m hiding. I mean, a girl can only take so much. And to make matters worse, he’s washing the Viagra down with whiskey! What am I going to do?

Day 11

Basically, I’m being screwed to death. This is like living with a Black and Decker drill. I woke up this morning hot-glued to the bed. Even my armpits hurt! He’s a complete pig.

Day 12

I wish he was gay. I’ve stopped wearing make-up, cleaning my teeth, and bathing but still he comes after me! Even yawning is now dangerous!

Day 13

Every time I shut my eyes, there’s a sneak attack! It’s like going to bed with a SCUD missile. I can hardly walk and if he tries that “Oops, sorry!” thing again, I’m gonna kill that bastard.

Day 14

I’ve done everything I can to turn him off. Nothing works. Even dressing like a nun just made him hornier. Help me!

Day 15

I think I’ll have to kill him. I stick to everything I sit on. The cat and dog won’t go near him and our friends don’t come over any more. Last night I told him to go fuck himself -- and he did!

Day 16

The bastard has started to complain about getting headaches. I hope the bloody thing explodes. I did suggest he might try stopping the Viagra and going back on Prozac.

Day 17

Switched the pills but it doesn’t seem to have made any difference. Christ! Here he comes again!

Day 18

He’s back on Prozac. The lazy sod just sits there in front of the TV all day with that remote control in his hand and expects me to wait on him. What bliss!

Eight Words with Two Meanings

Eight Words with Two Meanings

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.

Female...... Any part under a car's hood.

Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.

Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.

Male.... Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.

Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.

Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.

Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family.

Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.

Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.

Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.

Female.... An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.

Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.

Female...... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.

Male.. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.

Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.

Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes